Sometimes it's hard just to keep going.
I know why I face this emotional state. It's temporarily.
But the knowledge doesn't wash away the wave of terror.
Hope is fading. читать дальшеHope is almost lost.
With the reasons to keep living.
With the feeling of essence and it's inner foundation that puts sense in anything.
I'm losing sense.
I'm facing Darkness.
And Fear.
I'm terrified.
Music is the only thing that keeps me sane.
I'm listening it. I'm watching viodeos.
And something sparkles inside.
But then I start to think that it's all useless.
I didn't visit my vocal classes for 1,5 months. Have no money.
I can't record professional demoes... Have no money.
I can't buy the fucking combo to sing in the streets at least...
And that's all pointeless then.
I will die unable to realize myself in my last goal: to sing and share my singing in live perfomances with people.
Time is running out.
My body is fading and keeping reminding that clock is ticking.
MB year or two left. MB a little bit more.
Or less...
All I have is my bike.
And I don't have money even to have it operational...
Risking my boy. The only one I trust.
I have no resources even to the last fucking thing that kept the hope alive - travel.
How do I fucking afford it?!
I see no way out.
I don't know.
Can't concentrate on steps in the long term.
MB I'm too impatient. MB it needs more time and in the long term will has efficiency.
More TIME... Funny.
Ironic.
And I keep risking and risking. Keep searching for new resources to make it work.
And no backup... If I fail will have to deal with consequences on my own.
*sigh*
No one to blame. I did it all to myself.
I had so much resources and was too careless in disposing them.
And still doing that.
Fucking idiot.
First of all I need to change the attitude to the situation, pull myself together and than fucking learn how to manage what I have now.
@темы:
Поток сознания,
Я и мое безумие,
English,
Влияние,
Follow your bliss,
Цели,
Размышления,
Жизненное,
Страхи