Truth

[Denestera]

It's said that it takes seconds to know if you want this person or not...

I know that it takes seconds to know desitny of yours through the eyes contact with a person.

One look to know that this connection will end up really bad...

But you have no choice but to follow.
In fact... You never had a choice.

Anouther look... To see your unborn children in these dark eyes.
To know you are in deep shit... The rest of your life you gonna spend with this person.
Kinda scary when you are in conception to be forever young, forever free, forever drunk...
And you don't really like his appearance.

Fear grows.
Last time such crazy love ended up really bad. It ended up with pain.
It ended up with Death.
So, you are trying to convince yourself that nothing will ever happen between two of you. Cause you are too different.
You are trying to DECIDE cause you are stronger than addiction.

But attraction is stronger.

And then you are trying to fight and resist your fate thinking that you are the master of your life...
Do everything to escape sexual contact, hung up in net communication and trying to provoke a break.

But when you are at one with the Universe there are no such words as "master of your life"... You are conductor of Higher will into this world, just a tool.
And you might be a toy or a partner.

I faced more than I asked for.
I wasn't ready to such turn of events.

I know I should be a source of Love.
All I needed to do is to Love him.
Is to accept everything that comes forgetting my little egoic wishes for freedom, decisions and choices.
I should surrender to a Higher will, to him.
Lift down this affected pathos about being storng and independent...
And become a Woman in front of him.

But I insisted on my own decisions. And fucked up everything.
I used the knowledge of Truth and my Destiny to escape it.
I went on the run trying to exert my will to the Universe.

Why am I so fucking surprised to suffer THAT MUCH now?

And the only thing I'm asking... Did I fucked up it all completely or there is still a chance to fix it all?

Do I have a chance?

But... Another question is... If this all the Truth and this is my Destiny... And this all not a play of my imagination...
Where the fuck is he?!
And why did things turn up like this?!
Why I don't feel his feedbacks?

Why do I feel him?
And I don't HAVE him.

MB because you should ACCEPT him first?