Вот это и причина желания суициднуться...

Отключить это все.
Сбежать.
Перестать чувствовать.

@настроение: Control

@темы: Я и мое безумие, Цели, Жизненное, Страхи, Астрал

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Did you know that for a brain there is no difference between hallucination and reality? And it perceives own fantasies as they are real.
Can you imagine how scary it is to feel somebody completely, physically with your skin even when no one's there? To walk with them, to be where they are... To feel what they feel. To know untold things, I don't know how, but it's true. Feel somebody's emotions to 100%, never know where is yours and where is other's.

That's scary.

And painful, when you realise that it lives only inside of your head even if you receive 100% confirmation about everything... Brain can falsify this too. So you are trying to reduce that physical distance between you and others just to ensure yourself that you are sane.

That's hard. Really hard.

Now I understand why I shut it down years ago.

@темы: Поток сознания, Я и мое безумие, English, Влияние, Страхи, Астрал

---

I should lighten a warm hearth for him that he could anytime find a way back.

And quietly in the still wait for his return.

To win a trust of a wild animal it should remain free.

That's the way of Femininity.

@темы: Я и мое безумие, English, Follow your bliss, Цели, Elisson, Страхи, Астрал

---

Закрытая запись, не предназначенная для публичного просмотра

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20th dream

Some girl is chasing him. Saying she just wanna talk, but he don't wanna hear what she's going to say. Just not in the mood to listen. Somehow I'm thinking that this girl is me.

So, she's following him, saying that she won't be following if he just talk to her. But she does and enteres his home.

He is very tired and gets upset seeing her, but doesn't trying to drive her away. He just moves two sofas separete (one for her, anouther for him) and lies down to sleep, covering himself with a coverlet.

In couple of seconds I find myself sleeping in this room. I feel them both, she's in couple of meters far and he is very close.

I see his coverlet and searching for his hand to hold it and we are crossing our fingers very tight.

Somehow I know that he draged me into his sleep.

It's dark.

I'm awake with a touch on my breasts. Trying to figure out who is next to me cuz taste of this energy I don't know.

But I don't mind.

So, when lights on, I'm finding myself completely nacked with some emo/goth guy.

He asks me to wear off my jewelry cuz it cuts, and sticks his fingers into me.

I don't like his touch, not exciting at all.

He says that this place of me is kinda used. Gets up saying that he has no... I get that he was talking about condoms and ask him to search for them in my backpack. He finds two. Returns to me.

And in this moment I understand that I don't want him. At all. And ask him to leave.

When he leaves Elisson enteres the room.

I don't recognise him, he looks different. Most of time now he hides in different shapes and I don't see his face, I just feel him.

We talk, and for a moment I see his usual face. That makes me happy.

And we just go to bed and lie down together to sleep, I'm next to him.

He's back.

@темы: Я и мое безумие, English, Elisson, Страхи, Астрал

---

It can't be wrong.

@настроение: Attraction

@темы: Я и мое безумие, English, Follow your bliss, Elisson, Астрал

---

I'm scared.

Fear became my most serious problem.

And I don't know how to solve it.

@темы: Я и мое безумие, English, Цели, Страхи

---

And writing last post I've totaly lost connection with him...

And I'm in panic.

Even if I still can reach him, I feel him as he is a stranger... But before he was so dear, so close, we were united and now...

I'm so afraid that he got tired of me... Or he found somebody else.

But most of all I wanna stop thinking about this all.

---

I have to learn to deal with this madness.

I feel him, this deep connection between us, I want him. I wanna touch him, I wanna kiss him... I wanna us to be whole on every fucking possible level... And this is not what's happening...

I... lose any strengths with a single thought that we might not be together.

I'm going crazy that it might be a play of my imagination.

And life loses it's sense in a second. So, there is nothing to do anymore, nowhere to go.

That makes me a bit angry... I rely on him, I'm... addicted to him. While he's absolutely careless.

And why would he be not? He never promissed me anything.

This lives only inside my head. And that's serious contradiction.

I have to find a way out.

@темы: Поток сознания, Я и мое безумие, English, Follow your bliss, Размышления, Elisson, Страхи, Астрал

---

19th dream

Two parts, but don't remember them well.

First part

We met each other, talked for a while and drifted apart.

Later on I came with my friends in pizzeria and saw him working there as waiter.

I was glad to see him but he didn't paid attantion to me like he doesn't know me at all.

I talked to my friends trying to smile and look happy and then gone.

Second part

He appeared at my place wearing those very funny glasses with thick lens which made his eyes look so small...
He came out to my balcony to enjoy the view. It was late autumn outside and snow started to fall, was really chill air.

@темы: English, Elisson, Сны

---

On your own

She:

A thousand troubles got to solve

Fear swiped voice out of my throat

Oh-oh

Comming for help but who to care

Noone want you when sadness is there

Oh-oh

I am on my own

She:

Time is rising up the blame

Put the pieces to the game

Oh-oh

Feel the sadness of my soul

Look like pain tears to the bones

Oh-oh

I am the one to call

She:

Autumn leaves slowly falls down

Turns the shiver of the bound

Oh-oh

Ain't see coming deadly hook

Strikes the heart with overlook

Oh-oh

I am on the ground

Chorus:

I'm telling you

You're looking at the window

You're doing that on your own

Oh-oh

Не писала песен аж 8 лет... И тут резко проперло.

Видать, осенняя депра не проходит зря.

@темы: Мои стихи, Я и мое безумие, English

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18th dream

I've seen it couple of days ago. And I don't remember it well.

I think we communicated face to face.

And then I see our chat in WhatsApp and his new avatar.

I clicked it to see his new pics where he's riding a Bagi in the forest with his friends. And I've watched a video with his trick on slush springboard (he rolled over his head).

I thought in my dream that he is a idiot and felt sad about his hanging out with friends.

He doesn't want to see me.

@темы: English, Elisson, Сны

---

Seventeenth dream

I don't remember much of this one.
Dreamt it in Krym 5 or 6 days ago.

Just two pictures.
I saw him.
And I've seen his house from outside. It's white with red roof.

@темы: English, Elisson, Сны

---

The real loneliness is not about being alone... But being surrounded by people who doesn't give a shit about you and there is no one to help and support.

@настроение: Time to start over and begin from fresh page.

@темы: Поток сознания, Я и мое безумие, English, Влияние, Цели, Размышления, Страхи

---

Faith and innoncence

Do you believe in love?

I've lost the Faith.
That's why the World had lost it's magic in my eyes.
And Miracles were gone.
They require unconditional trust to cast themself.

That's why life seems so miserable, depressive and dark.
It's quite hard to explain yourself why are you doing this while there is nothing.
I keep reminding myself that my view creates my illusions reality.
I don't know... I don't know how to reach out the borders of it.

It was easier when I was kid.
No matter what I just keept going.
The force beyond belief. It makes all possible.
Innocence.

Did I suffer too much?
Is there too much memory?
What have changed?
And how to have it back?

The Faith.

@темы: Поток сознания, Я и мое безумие, English, Влияние, Follow your bliss, Цели, Жизнеутверждающее, Астрал

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Sixteenth dream

I hear him in the storm...

I am with my friend in the club or somekind of art show but there is a concert.
We are walking around, watching... I feel him.
We've stood at the small balcony to see the performance. At that moment he'd passed by together with his mother paying no attention to me. But she did and started to yell at him that he choosed an awful sits and she doesn't see anything.

I found him in his room.
It's furnished with a very nice antique furniture. Lot's of books everythere.

We have a very nice conversation sitting at his desktop. I'm beside him through the corner.
He said something I didn't understand:
- You don't know what it is?
- Nope.

He turns around on his chair to reach a shelf behind him and takes a bunch of small papers. All appeared to be filled with notes.
He takes another one looking clear, tears it on two (I'm noticing a part the begining of the phrase "let's" on behind) standing up. Walks behind my back, bend over me, putting a list in front of me to write down the word I didn't understand. I feel the warmth of his body and his breath on my skin and starting to shiver.
He whispers something on my ear and kisses my neck. I turn around and kiss him on his lips.

And I wake up from ringing timer.

P.S. It was quite a while I didn't see him in my dreams and didn't had any chattering with him in my mind.
Interesting...

@музыка: Lindsey Stirling – The Phoenix

@настроение: Storm

@темы: Я и мое безумие, English, Elisson, Сны

---

Truth in the process

I feel mySELF beside him because when he is around my true nature can be expressed and show itself.
So, he is not the sourse of my divinity.

I am the Sourse.

But my divinity can be expressed only when there is someone or something.
When there is a dialog, a process. And the dialog needs two or more participants to appear.

That was my mistake.

@темы: Поток сознания, Я и мое безумие, Влияние, Follow your bliss, Памятка, Жизнеутверждающее, Elisson, Астрал

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Truth

It's said that it takes seconds to know if you want this person or not...

I know that it takes seconds to know desitny of yours through the eyes contact with a person.

One look to know that this connection will end up really bad...

But you have no choice but to follow.
In fact... You never had a choice.

Anouther look... To see your unborn children in these dark eyes.
To know you are in deep shit... The rest of your life you gonna spend with this person.
Kinda scary when you are in conception to be forever young, forever free, forever drunk...
And you don't really like his appearance.

Fear grows.
Last time such crazy love ended up really bad. It ended up with pain.
It ended up with Death.
So, you are trying to convince yourself that nothing will ever happen between two of you. Cause you are too different.
You are trying to DECIDE cause you are stronger than addiction.

But attraction is stronger.

And then you are trying to fight and resist your fate thinking that you are the master of your life...
Do everything to escape sexual contact, hung up in net communication and trying to provoke a break.

But when you are at one with the Universe there are no such words as "master of your life"... You are conductor of Higher will into this world, just a tool.
And you might be a toy or a partner.

I faced more than I asked for.
I wasn't ready to such turn of events.

I know I should be a source of Love.
All I needed to do is to Love him.
Is to accept everything that comes forgetting my little egoic wishes for freedom, decisions and choices.
I should surrender to a Higher will, to him.
Lift down this affected pathos about being storng and independent...
And become a Woman in front of him.

But I insisted on my own decisions. And fucked up everything.
I used the knowledge of Truth and my Destiny to escape it.
I went on the run trying to exert my will to the Universe.

Why am I so fucking surprised to suffer THAT MUCH now?

And the only thing I'm asking... Did I fucked up it all completely or there is still a chance to fix it all?

Do I have a chance?

But... Another question is... If this all the Truth and this is my Destiny... And this all not a play of my imagination...
Where the fuck is he?!
And why did things turn up like this?!
Why I don't feel his feedbacks?

Why do I feel him?
And I don't HAVE him.

MB because you should ACCEPT him first?

@темы: Я и мое безумие, English, Влияние, Follow your bliss, Цели, Памятка, Размышления, Жизнеутверждающее, Elisson, Жизненное, Страхи, Астрал

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I surender.

Do what ever you will.

@темы: Поток сознания, Я и мое безумие, Влияние, Follow your bliss, Цели, Страхи, Астрал

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Еще две недели назад, заприметив первые признаки наступающей осени в виде желтеющей и жухлой листвы, я поняла, что у меня внутри зарождается паника: я не хочу зиму.
Мало мне лета было, мало...

Сказала себе "без паники, еще как минимум 2 месяца впереди и Крым", и продолжаю себе это напоминать, но, видимо, страх сидит где-то глубже и...

Приснился мне кошмарный сон, что снег выпал в сентябре.

Вспоминаю этот момент и покрываюсь холодным потом.
Еще во сне пыталась убедить себя, что такое даже если и возможно, то пару дней.

Нда... Нервишки шалят.

@темы: Я и мое безумие, Влияние, Follow your bliss, Страхи, Сны