Madness 99%. Block 40%. Fading of memory 60%

Пришлось генерировать эффект от "бежать на край света" пешей прогулкой часа этак на 4-5...
Но все еще безбожно штормит из плюса в минус и обратно.

Концентрация отсутствует напрочь.
Зафиксировать состояние хотя бы на нейтралитете практически невозможно...
Сейчас даже нет смысла пытаться искать источник (хотя это решило бы большую часть проблемы), приходится работать с последствиями.

Что происходит, млять?!

Я бы попробовала замещение, но чем/кем замещать?

@темы: Поток сознания, Я и мое безумие, Влияние, Цели, States, Страхи, Город

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Madness -> Rage

Wardruna

@темы: Поток сознания, Я и мое безумие

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Visions of inner-self

I was wondering... Why I see u inside of me all the time?

Then I realized... I used to visualize inner Space with u.
The Space seperating me from everything...

From me.

And u disappeared.

I'm free.

@музыка: Peter Gabriel – My Body Is A Cage

@темы: Поток сознания, Я и мое безумие, Follow your bliss, Цели, Elisson, Астрал

---

I understood why I refused to live with my Inner dimension.

It's greate to be there but real world is greater.

But I used to spend more time inside visualizing... Escaping reality with it's truths.
Truth is hard to accept espacially when it doesn't fit visions of Core about unity of every living being.

But truth is always better no matter how bitter it is.

I had to learn this lesson.

@музыка: Nightwish - Higher than Hope

@темы: Поток сознания, Я и мое безумие, English, Follow your bliss, Жизнеутверждающее, Жизненное

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I understood why I refused to live with my Inner dimension.

It's greate to be there but real world is greater.

But I used to spend more time inside visualizing... Escaping reality with it's truths.
Truth is hard to accept espacially when it doesn't fit visions of Core about unity of every living being.

But truth is always better no matter how bitter it is.

I had to learn this lesson.

---

Продолжает штормить...

Вот...
Теперь Веро хочется МАГИИ...
Это финиш. Когда Веро начинает жаждать магии, можно выносить...

На самом деле Веро хочет п*зды...

Хочется новых впечатлений.
Любви. Романтики, ощущений...
Гулять до утра. До самого рассвета, глядя на звезды и светлую кромку неба на самом горизонте...

Пристрелите меня...

З.Ы. И куда-то отвалился английский, напрочь.

@настроение: ЧТО ПРОИСХОДИТ НАХ?!

@темы: Поток сознания, Я и мое безумие, Follow your bliss

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Run...

Give me money and I will be running and running to the End of the World and farther...

From myself.
From others.

Until my memory fades away.

To find myself.

Порция соплей

I miss him.
I've created this love and torturing myself with it now...
How little enough a couple of words in right time, a pic, some text... And here we are u are inloved.
Going mad.
Feeling crazy.

Wishing to disappear to end up this suffering.

An idiot.

@настроение: I'm lossing mind

@темы: Поток сознания, Я и мое безумие, English, Follow your bliss

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11th dream

I thought of him in the motrning so much that later seen him in the dreams all the time till I got up from bed.
The only thing I've remembered...

He texted me something about what actually he's going to do...
And later sends me smiles (ships, trains and etc) about he's traveling saying:
- I lied...

@темы: Поток сознания, Я и мое безумие, English, Follow your bliss, Elisson, Жизненное, Сны

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Tenth dream

Remember just few images from this one.

We are at his appartment in Moscow.
Doing stuff together, making love.

He doesn't run from me anymore.

@темы: Поток сознания, Зверек по имени Веро, Я и мое безумие, English, Elisson

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И... Как обычно, Веро отпускает только тогда, когда Веро уже наломает дров =)

Ну, т.е. пары неудачных попыток переспать с кем-нибудь мне было мало... Надо было нарваться на тотально неудачную, что бы отбило всякую охоту носиться как мартовскому кошаку во время течки...
Хорошо, что хоть до самого полового акта не дошло, а то было бы совсем грустно мне сейчас =)
А так... Это все я переживу.

Надеюсь...

Ну, а если серьезно

То я рада, что можно пока закрыть тему секса в собственной голове.
Я наконец-то вспомнила ПО ОЩУЩЕНИЯМ почему я так не люблю беспорядочные связи, почему мне нужно несколько циклов встреч с людьми и поэтапное сближение: так я не окажусь в постели с человеком, который меня откровенно бесит и не возбуждает от слова НИКАК.

Плюс, я выяснила: организм теперь незамедлительно реагирует резким возмущением и недвусмысленным намеком, что вот этот индивид "НЕ."
КРАЙНЕ категорично.
Аминь.

@темы: Поток сознания, Я и мое безумие, Цели, Жизнеутверждающее, Жизненное

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The Being and reload

I'm talking about many things lately leaving out the most important thing.

The Being.

It might have many names like Soul, Heart, Spirit, Higher-self or any other...
It's a Core, a foundation for everything: decisions, wishes, actions.
And fills existence with Sense.

A personality of any human is a complicated mix of many influences.
We get nurture, education, suggestions of mass MEDIA, culture, literature, movies, ART and etc...
It's very easy to get confused with all of that mess while you are out of connection with your Core, your Being.

While you've lost the light of the Lighthouse which guides you through life you are like blind kitten wondering the Darkness by touch.

This substance tells you if the choises you take are corresponding to the natural order of the Universe and your Path...
To Your-Self.

Years ago I've desided that the voice of my Core is nothing but an illusion.
And I have to learn to live my life with "REAL" things...
I was never as mistaken as then.

I've lost connection with my Inside...
Of course it was still there, sometimes knowlege just sparkled in me as scintilla of Truth.
I just knew things as immutable knowledge.

Sometimes you need to forget to learn something new.

The control of this ability returned and the World started to sparkle with Magic.
And now I have to learn how to feel and hear my inner Voice again.
Still afraid that it might turn into illusion... And I lose it all once more.
The small and careful steps I take.

To Start over.

@темы: Поток сознания, Я и мое безумие, English, Follow your bliss, Размышления, Философия, Астрал

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Ninth dream

We are having prelude.
I'm at top feeling his hardness with my genitals.
His trying to reach inside of me but it doesn't work.
I'm leaving him to go to the toilet where I discover that my period just begun.
And think "What?! Not again!" as long as he doesn't like smell of blood... And that's the reason why we hadn't sex when was chance.

And I wake up.

@темы: English, Elisson, Сны

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Failures and attempts

When you hold a contradiction best way to know if you are doing right is to try.
Life always shows the reality of any theory and guessing. While it lives inside of head it's just another illusion.
All you have to do is keep trying every possible option until something will work out or you are dead.

In that case everything what happens is fair. And nothing wrong can occur in life.
It barely requires an adaptation to changing situation and change of perspectives.
A search of new ways.

The conception of failure belongs to egoic mind.

When plans collapse for EGO it's equal to death.
This state of mind generates continuous fear and emotions about what has to be done and what hasn’t.
This mental activity burns out the energy and other resources required to achieve success in any occasion.
Emotions simply bring closer failures. That's why something we fear always happens.
We are making this result with our own hands (thoughts and emotions).

The activity of mind should include only process of searching for decisions of what to do and how to do.
Mind creates a list of possibilities and makes a simple calculation about possibilities which won't work according to the situation.
When it starts to infect other options with emotional state it's the first sign that you need to end up thinking and to start acting.

And after all have happened I'm making simple conclusion: sex is not for me.
Amen.

@темы: Поток сознания, Я и мое безумие, English, Follow your bliss, Размышления, Жизнеутверждающее, Жизненное

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Resistance and rain

Mood is shit...
And I find myself resisting to reality like rain, my mood, my thoughts, my emotions... Everything.
I demand for other people being around now, for their different behavior, for other weather and etc.

And my own thoughts are killing me.
And I wish to die only to stop continuous officious activity inside my head.
I wish my body to stop annoying me with excitement which produses unquenchable hunger for sex.

This is too much for me.
I don't know how to deal with such things.

But most important thing is this resisting.
I don't know how to accept things as they are.
And I'm not really sure I have to...

Honesty

But let's be honest.
I just suffer because he's not around... Ignoring me.
I don't feel him... Or better say I refuse to feel him because this is too painful.
And his words echoing in my head... Why the fuck he said that?! Yeah, because he really meant that. It was some couple of weeks ago but for him it's nothing.
For me it's eternity.
And it also hurts.
I am so tired of this.

And the Earth is crying.

@темы: Поток сознания, Я и мое безумие, English, Follow your bliss, Размышления, Elisson

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A breakthrough

Everything is running around in circles.

I wish to run away.
From those hateful faces, places, scenes. From these frozen belifes, impressions, thoughts.

From myself.

To new far distant places, new people, belifes and points of view. New me.

A breakthrough.

@темы: Поток сознания, Я и мое безумие, English

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It's only a week passed since we met...
But for me it feels like whole life: a lot of things happened, seasons changing from summer to autumn freezing my heart.

My senses forgot his scent, warmth and taste...
I'm not sure I feel him anymore.
And he's silent still...

Wanna sex, Vero? Help yourself...

So often now I'm starting to think...

If it's so hard to deal with males why do I need them at all?

@темы: Я и мое безумие, English, Elisson

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Block is destroyed. Generating magnetic field...

@темы: Я и мое безумие, English, Follow your bliss, States

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Block raised. Openness 0%


Ну, все как водится... Хочешь ебаться? Помоги себе сам...
На хуй кого-то хотеть, когда всегда все сам?!

@темы: Я и мое безумие, English, States, Elisson, Жизненное

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His scent and taste of his kiss on my lips...

Fuck...

@темы: Я и мое безумие, Follow your bliss, Цели, Elisson

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Love, lies and resposibility

ART, mass-media and our own EGO teaches us that Love is a magical force that connects hearts and through another person can make things right, us happy and fulfilled to the rest of our days, solve all of the problems and etc...
That love connects people through all the difficulties, helps to solve all conflicts and contradictions...

Well, sorry to say this, sweethearts...
It's all a bullshit.

Love does nothing of that.
Only people do.
But used to shift resposibility for own actions on shoulders of Love, God and others...
We gain the power to create any miracle in our lifes if we only wish to... But waiting for SOMEBODY else to cast them... Waiting for mysterious others to act for us.
And we prefer to watch for others and their mistakes keeping our own shit completely unnoticed.

Love is a word that for centuries was used to implant lies into people's minds and cover their own shit like desires, fears and needs.

I often hear why can't we just love?
But... Like we know how to love. Are we patient enough to accept others as they are with their life, beliefs, points of view and problems? Or we just force them to accept us and continuously demand to feed our needs...
There are a lot of things except love to do.
We cannot force someone to sacrifice their life for us.
Love is a gift given by a choice of free will which can never be inflicted or used for trade.
But usually we make gifts expecting something in return.
There is no love.

Does anybody know what Love really means?
Does anybody know how to Love?

Of course, Love exists.
As a vibrant energy it flows through us, runs in our veins, shines in our eyes.
Makes us Live.

It guards us from all the negativity in the world if we chose to open ourselves completely.
We can light the Fire in somebody's life through our love. And let them go, let them be as they are.

Love is generous.
Love is a Light which illuminates the Darkness in our own soul.
And it does no more.

@темы: Поток сознания, Я и мое безумие, English, Follow your bliss, Размышления, Жизнеутверждающее, Жизненное