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01:29 

"Иногда важно уметь говорить, потому что и в молчании – нет большого смысла." ©
Run...

Give me money and I will be running and running to the End of the World and farther...

From myself.
From others.

Until my memory fades away.

To find myself.

Порция соплей

@настроение: I'm lossing mind

@темы: Я и мое безумие, Поток сознания, Follow your bliss, English

01:18 

11th dream

"Иногда важно уметь говорить, потому что и в молчании – нет большого смысла." ©
I thought of him in the motrning so much that later seen him in the dreams all the time till I got up from bed.
The only thing I've remembered...

He texted me something about what actually he's going to do...
And later sends me smiles (ships, trains and etc) about he's traveling saying:
- I lied...

@темы: Elisson, English, Follow your bliss, Жизненное, Поток сознания, Сны, Я и мое безумие

14:11 

Tenth dream

"Иногда важно уметь говорить, потому что и в молчании – нет большого смысла." ©
Remember just few images from this one.

We are at his appartment in Moscow.
Doing stuff together, making love.

He doesn't run from me anymore.

@темы: English, Elisson, Я и мое безумие, Поток сознания, Зверек по имени Веро

04:46 

"Иногда важно уметь говорить, потому что и в молчании – нет большого смысла." ©
И... Как обычно, Веро отпускает только тогда, когда Веро уже наломает дров =)

Ну, т.е. пары неудачных попыток переспать с кем-нибудь мне было мало... Надо было нарваться на тотально неудачную, что бы отбило всякую охоту носиться как мартовскому кошаку во время течки...
Хорошо, что хоть до самого полового акта не дошло, а то было бы совсем грустно мне сейчас =)
А так... Это все я переживу.

Надеюсь...

Ну, а если серьезно

@темы: Жизнеутверждающее, Жизненное, Я и мое безумие, Цели, Поток сознания

03:57 

The Being and reload

"Иногда важно уметь говорить, потому что и в молчании – нет большого смысла." ©
I'm talking about many things lately leaving out the most important thing.

The Being.

It might have many names like Soul, Heart, Spirit, Higher-self or any other...
It's a Core, a foundation for everything: decisions, wishes, actions.
And fills existence with Sense.

A personality of any human is a complicated mix of many influences.
We get nurture, education, suggestions of mass MEDIA, culture, literature, movies, ART and etc...
It's very easy to get confused with all of that mess while you are out of connection with your Core, your Being.

While you've lost the light of the Lighthouse which guides you through life you are like blind kitten wondering the Darkness by touch.

This substance tells you if the choises you take are corresponding to the natural order of the Universe and your Path...
To Your-Self.

Years ago I've desided that the voice of my Core is nothing but an illusion.
And I have to learn to live my life with "REAL" things...
I was never as mistaken as then.

I've lost connection with my Inside...
Of course it was still there, sometimes knowlege just sparkled in me as scintilla of Truth.
I just knew things as immutable knowledge.

Sometimes you need to forget to learn something new.

The control of this ability returned and the World started to sparkle with Magic.
And now I have to learn how to feel and hear my inner Voice again.
Still afraid that it might turn into illusion... And I lose it all once more.
The small and careful steps I take.

To Start over.

@темы: Я и мое безумие, Философия, Размышления, Поток сознания, Астрал, Follow your bliss, English

19:26 

Ninth dream

"Иногда важно уметь говорить, потому что и в молчании – нет большого смысла." ©
We are having prelude.
I'm at top feeling his hardness with my genitals.
His trying to reach inside of me but it doesn't work.
I'm leaving him to go to the toilet where I discover that my period just begun.
And think "What?! Not again!" as long as he doesn't like smell of blood... And that's the reason why we hadn't sex when was chance.


And I wake up.

@темы: Elisson, Сны, English

19:08 

Failures and attempts

"Иногда важно уметь говорить, потому что и в молчании – нет большого смысла." ©
When you hold a contradiction best way to know if you are doing right is to try.
Life always shows the reality of any theory and guessing. While it lives inside of head it's just another illusion.
All you have to do is keep trying every possible option until something will work out or you are dead.

In that case everything what happens is fair. And nothing wrong can occur in life.
It barely requires an adaptation to changing situation and change of perspectives.
A search of new ways.

The conception of failure belongs to egoic mind.

When plans collapse for EGO it's equal to death.
This state of mind generates continuous fear and emotions about what has to be done and what hasn’t.
This mental activity burns out the energy and other resources required to achieve success in any occasion.
Emotions simply bring closer failures. That's why something we fear always happens.
We are making this result with our own hands (thoughts and emotions).

The activity of mind should include only process of searching for decisions of what to do and how to do.
Mind creates a list of possibilities and makes a simple calculation about possibilities which won't work according to the situation.
When it starts to infect other options with emotional state it's the first sign that you need to end up thinking and to start acting.

And after all have happened I'm making simple conclusion: sex is not for me.
Amen.

@темы: Я и мое безумие, Размышления, Поток сознания, Жизнеутверждающее, Жизненное, Follow your bliss, English

00:25 

Resistance and rain

"Иногда важно уметь говорить, потому что и в молчании – нет большого смысла." ©
Mood is shit...
And I find myself resisting to reality like rain, my mood, my thoughts, my emotions... Everything.
I demand for other people being around now, for their different behavior, for other weather and etc.

And my own thoughts are killing me.
And I wish to die only to stop continuous officious activity inside my head.
I wish my body to stop annoying me with excitement which produses unquenchable hunger for sex.

This is too much for me.
I don't know how to deal with such things.

But most important thing is this resisting.
I don't know how to accept things as they are.
And I'm not really sure I have to...

Honesty

And the Earth is crying.

@темы: Я и мое безумие, Размышления, Поток сознания, Follow your bliss, English, Elisson

15:08 

A breakthrough

"Иногда важно уметь говорить, потому что и в молчании – нет большого смысла." ©
Everything is running around in circles.

I wish to run away.
From those hateful faces, places, scenes. From these frozen belifes, impressions, thoughts.

From myself.

To new far distant places, new people, belifes and points of view. New me.

A breakthrough.

@темы: Я и мое безумие, Поток сознания, English

16:50 

"Иногда важно уметь говорить, потому что и в молчании – нет большого смысла." ©
It's only a week passed since we met...
But for me it feels like whole life: a lot of things happened, seasons changing from summer to autumn freezing my heart.

My senses forgot his scent, warmth and taste...
I'm not sure I feel him anymore.
And he's silent still...

Wanna sex, Vero? Help yourself...

So often now I'm starting to think...

If it's so hard to deal with males why do I need them at all?

@темы: Я и мое безумие, English, Elisson

03:22 

"Иногда важно уметь говорить, потому что и в молчании – нет большого смысла." ©
Block is destroyed. Generating magnetic field...

@темы: Я и мое безумие, States, Follow your bliss, English

00:15 

"Иногда важно уметь говорить, потому что и в молчании – нет большого смысла." ©
16:27 

"Иногда важно уметь говорить, потому что и в молчании – нет большого смысла." ©
His scent and taste of his kiss on my lips...

Fuck...

@темы: Я и мое безумие, Цели, Follow your bliss, Elisson

04:10 

Love, lies and resposibility

"Иногда важно уметь говорить, потому что и в молчании – нет большого смысла." ©
ART, mass-media and our own EGO teaches us that Love is a magical force that connects hearts and through another person can make things right, us happy and fulfilled to the rest of our days, solve all of the problems and etc...
That love connects people through all the difficulties, helps to solve all conflicts and contradictions...

Well, sorry to say this, sweethearts...
It's all a bullshit.

Love does nothing of that.
Only people do.
But used to shift resposibility for own actions on shoulders of Love, God and others...
We gain the power to create any miracle in our lifes if we only wish to... But waiting for SOMEBODY else to cast them... Waiting for mysterious others to act for us.
And we prefer to watch for others and their mistakes keeping our own shit completely unnoticed.

Love is a word that for centuries was used to implant lies into people's minds and cover their own shit like desires, fears and needs.

I often hear why can't we just love?
But... Like we know how to love. Are we patient enough to accept others as they are with their life, beliefs, points of view and problems? Or we just force them to accept us and continuously demand to feed our needs...
There are a lot of things except love to do.
We cannot force someone to sacrifice their life for us.
Love is a gift given by a choice of free will which can never be inflicted or used for trade.
But usually we make gifts expecting something in return.
There is no love.

Does anybody know what Love really means?
Does anybody know how to Love?


Of course, Love exists.
As a vibrant energy it flows through us, runs in our veins, shines in our eyes.
Makes us Live.

It guards us from all the negativity in the world if we chose to open ourselves completely.
We can light the Fire in somebody's life through our love. And let them go, let them be as they are.

Love is generous.
Love is a Light which illuminates the Darkness in our own soul.
And it does no more.

@темы: Я и мое безумие, Размышления, Поток сознания, Жизнеутверждающее, Жизненное, Follow your bliss, English

22:50 

"Only truth will set u free"

"Иногда важно уметь говорить, потому что и в молчании – нет большого смысла." ©
I acknowledged the truth: I want him and always wanted.

Somethere in the past I just decided that nothing is possible between us, so it's better to be friends.
Yet desire was stronger.

Then I decided to play games to win him instead of being honest.
And fucked up everything completely that I don't know even how to fix this all.

How can I make things right?

And now he's mocking at me...

Why do I loose all powers when I try to leave him?
Why do I get stronger beside him?


What should I do?
Help me out...

Please...

@темы: Я и мое безумие, Цели, Размышления, Follow your bliss, English, Elisson

02:40 

"Иногда важно уметь говорить, потому что и в молчании – нет большого смысла." ©
“Love is always patient and kind.
It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited.
It is never rude or selfish.
It does not take offense and is not resentful.
Love takes no pleasure in other people’s sins, but delights in the truth.
It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes.”



― Anonymous, Holy Bible: New International Version

@темы: Я и мое безумие, Цитаты, Цели, Follow your bliss, English

21:15 

Temporality of shapes

"Иногда важно уметь говорить, потому что и в молчании – нет большого смысла." ©
Can't lose weight.
What ever I do: starving, physical trainings... It's not going anywhere. Not a kilo.

Like I need to learn a lesson first.
The lesson of Temporality.

Shapes come and go.
Forms are ruled by a simple law of Change.
Things are changing. We are getting older.
No one can escape it.

The only thing in Universe that is important lies within, inside.
And this is the inner Being that makes us what we trully are.
Make it Shine and the Form will change itself.

And also to remember that my weight indicates accuracy of my decisions to make sure I will do things right.
And it will be gone when things will be accomplished in right way.

My way.
True way.

@музыка: Ramin Djawadi – Dance of Dragons

@темы: Я и мое безумие, Цели, Философия, Размышления, Поток сознания, Жизненное, Follow your bliss

21:02 

Eighth Dream (yesterday)

"Иногда важно уметь говорить, потому что и в молчании – нет большого смысла." ©
I've texted him a long and serious msg in Whatsapp.
He just laughed in replay.


Love him for his sense of humor.

@темы: Я и мое безумие, Цели, Сны, Follow your bliss, English, Elisson

17:11 

"Иногда важно уметь говорить, потому что и в молчании – нет большого смысла." ©
Openness: 90%

@темы: Цели, States, Follow your bliss

01:55 

"Иногда важно уметь говорить, потому что и в молчании – нет большого смысла." ©
Males are very simple...

Man wants, man does.

If man does nothing, the man doesn't want to.

And there are no pretexts.

@темы: Я и мое безумие, Цели, Жизнеутверждающее, English

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