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11:03 

"Иногда важно уметь говорить, потому что и в молчании – нет большого смысла." ©
Did you know that for a brain there is no difference between hallucination and reality? And it perceives own fantasies as they are real.
Can you imagine how scary it is to feel somebody completely, physically with your skin even when no one's there? To walk with them, to be where they are... To feel what they feel. To know untold things, I don't know how, but it's true. Feel somebody's emotions to 100%, never know where is yours and where is other's.

That's scary.

And painful, when you realise that it lives only inside of your head even if you receive 100% confirmation about everything... Brain can falsify this too. So you are trying to reduce that physical distance between you and others just to ensure yourself that you are sane.

That's hard. Really hard.

Now I understand why I shut it down years ago.

@темы: Я и мое безумие, Страхи, Поток сознания, Влияние, Астрал, English

15:55 

"Иногда важно уметь говорить, потому что и в молчании – нет большого смысла." ©
I should lighten a warm hearth for him that he could anytime find a way back.
And quietly in the still wait for his return.

To win a trust of a wild animal it should remain free.

That's the way of Femininity.

@темы: Я и мое безумие, Цели, Страхи, Астрал, Follow your bliss, English, Elisson

11:59 

20th dream

"Иногда важно уметь говорить, потому что и в молчании – нет большого смысла." ©
Some girl is chasing him. Saying she just wanna talk, but he don't wanna hear what she's going to say. Just not in the mood to listen. Somehow I'm thinking that this girl is me.
So, she's following him, saying that she won't be following if he just talk to her. But she does and enteres his home.
He is very tired and gets upset seeing her, but doesn't trying to drive her away. He just moves two sofas separete (one for her, anouther for him) and lies down to sleep, covering himself with a coverlet.

In couple of seconds I find myself sleeping in this room. I feel them both, she's in couple of meters far and he is very close.
I see his coverlet and searching for his hand to hold it and we are crossing our fingers very tight.
Somehow I know that he draged me into his sleep.

It's dark.
I'm awake with a touch on my breasts. Trying to figure out who is next to me cuz taste of this energy I don't know.
But I don't mind.
So, when lights on, I'm finding myself completely nacked with some emo/goth guy.
He asks me to wear off my jewelry cuz it cuts, and sticks his fingers into me.
I don't like his touch, not exciting at all.
He says that this place of me is kinda used. Gets up saying that he has no... I get that he was talking about condoms and ask him to search for them in my backpack. He finds two. Returns to me.
And in this moment I understand that I don't want him. At all. And ask him to leave.

When he leaves Elisson enteres the room.
I don't recognise him, he looks different. Most of time now he hides in different shapes and I don't see his face, I just feel him.
We talk, and for a moment I see his usual face. That makes me happy.

And we just go to bed and lie down together to sleep, I'm next to him.

He's back.

@темы: Я и мое безумие, Страхи, Астрал, English, Elisson

22:34 

"Иногда важно уметь говорить, потому что и в молчании – нет большого смысла." ©
It can't be wrong.

@настроение: Attraction

@темы: Elisson, English, Follow your bliss, Астрал, Я и мое безумие

12:42 

"Иногда важно уметь говорить, потому что и в молчании – нет большого смысла." ©
I'm scared.

Fear became my most serious problem.
And I don't know how to solve it.

@темы: English, Страхи, Цели, Я и мое безумие

21:16 

"Иногда важно уметь говорить, потому что и в молчании – нет большого смысла." ©
And writing last post I've totaly lost connection with him...
And I'm in panic.

Even if I still can reach him, I feel him as he is a stranger... But before he was so dear, so close, we were united and now...

I'm so afraid that he got tired of me... Or he found somebody else.

But most of all I wanna stop thinking about this all.

20:56 

"Иногда важно уметь говорить, потому что и в молчании – нет большого смысла." ©
I have to learn to deal with this madness.

I feel him, this deep connection between us, I want him. I wanna touch him, I wanna kiss him... I wanna us to be whole on every fucking possible level... And this is not what's happening...

I... lose any strengths with a single thought that we might not be together.
I'm going crazy that it might be a play of my imagination.
And life loses it's sense in a second. So, there is nothing to do anymore, nowhere to go.

That makes me a bit angry... I rely on him, I'm... addicted to him. While he's absolutely careless.
And why would he be not? He never promissed me anything.

This lives only inside my head. And that's serious contradiction.

I have to find a way out.

@темы: Я и мое безумие, Страхи, Размышления, Поток сознания, Астрал, Follow your bliss, English, Elisson

11:17 

19th dream

"Иногда важно уметь говорить, потому что и в молчании – нет большого смысла." ©
Two parts, but don't remember them well.

First part
We met each other, talked for a while and drifted apart.
Later on I came with my friends in pizzeria and saw him working there as waiter.
I was glad to see him but he didn't paid attantion to me like he doesn't know me at all.
I talked to my friends trying to smile and look happy and then gone.


Second part
He appeared at my place wearing those very funny glasses with thick lens which made his eyes look so small...
He came out to my balcony to enjoy the view. It was late autumn outside and snow started to fall, was really chill air.

@темы: Сны, English, Elisson

21:27 

On your own

"Иногда важно уметь говорить, потому что и в молчании – нет большого смысла." ©
She:
A thousand troubles got to solve
Fear swiped voice out of my throat
Oh-oh

Comming for help but who to care
Noone want you when sadness is there
Oh-oh

I am on my own

She:
Time is rising up the blame
Put the pieces to the game
Oh-oh

Feel the sadness of my soul
Look like pain tears to the bones
Oh-oh

I am the one to call

She:
Autumn leaves slowly falls down
Turns the shiver of the bound
Oh-oh

Ain't see coming deadly hook
Strikes the heart with overlook
Oh-oh

I am on the ground

Chorus:
I'm telling you
You're looking at the window
You're doing that on your own
Oh-oh




@темы: Я и мое безумие, Мои стихи, English

10:46 

18th dream

"Иногда важно уметь говорить, потому что и в молчании – нет большого смысла." ©
I've seen it couple of days ago. And I don't remember it well.

I think we communicated face to face.
And then I see our chat in WhatsApp and his new avatar.
I clicked it to see his new pics where he's riding a Bagi in the forest with his friends. And I've watched a video with his trick on slush springboard (he rolled over his head).
I thought in my dream that he is a idiot and felt sad about his hanging out with friends.

He doesn't want to see me.

@темы: Сны, English, Elisson

17:29 

Seventeenth dream

"Иногда важно уметь говорить, потому что и в молчании – нет большого смысла." ©
I don't remember much of this one.
Dreamt it in Krym 5 or 6 days ago.

Just two pictures.
I saw him.
And I've seen his house from outside. It's white with red roof.

@темы: Сны, English, Elisson

22:35 

"Иногда важно уметь говорить, потому что и в молчании – нет большого смысла." ©
The real loneliness is not about being alone... But being surrounded by people who doesn't give a shit about you and there is no one to help and support.

@настроение: Time to start over and begin from fresh page.

@темы: Я и мое безумие, Цели, Страхи, Размышления, Поток сознания, Влияние, English

20:08 

Faith and innoncence

"Иногда важно уметь говорить, потому что и в молчании – нет большого смысла." ©
Do you believe in love?

I've lost the Faith.
That's why the World had lost it's magic in my eyes.
And Miracles were gone.
They require unconditional trust to cast themself.

That's why life seems so miserable, depressive and dark.
It's quite hard to explain yourself why are you doing this while there is nothing.
I keep reminding myself that my view creates my illusions reality.
I don't know... I don't know how to reach out the borders of it.

It was easier when I was kid.
No matter what I just keept going.
The force beyond belief. It makes all possible.
Innocence.

Did I suffer too much?
Is there too much memory?
What have changed?
And how to have it back?

The Faith.

@темы: Я и мое безумие, Цели, Поток сознания, Жизнеутверждающее, Влияние, Астрал, Follow your bliss, English

16:27 

Sixteenth dream

"Иногда важно уметь говорить, потому что и в молчании – нет большого смысла." ©
I hear him in the storm...

I am with my friend in the club or somekind of art show but there is a concert.
We are walking around, watching... I feel him.
We've stood at the small balcony to see the performance. At that moment he'd passed by together with his mother paying no attention to me. But she did and started to yell at him that he choosed an awful sits and she doesn't see anything.

I found him in his room.
It's furnished with a very nice antique furniture. Lot's of books everythere.

We have a very nice conversation sitting at his desktop. I'm beside him through the corner.
He said something I didn't understand:
- You don't know what it is?
- Nope.

He turns around on his chair to reach a shelf behind him and takes a bunch of small papers. All appeared to be filled with notes.
He takes another one looking clear, tears it on two (I'm noticing a part the begining of the phrase "let's" on behind) standing up. Walks behind my back, bend over me, putting a list in front of me to write down the word I didn't understand. I feel the warmth of his body and his breath on my skin and starting to shiver.
He whispers something on my ear and kisses my neck. I turn around and kiss him on his lips.


And I wake up from ringing timer.

P.S. It was quite a while I didn't see him in my dreams and didn't had any chattering with him in my mind.
Interesting...

@музыка: Lindsey Stirling – The Phoenix

@настроение: Storm

@темы: Я и мое безумие, Сны, English, Elisson

15:22 

Truth in the process

"Иногда важно уметь говорить, потому что и в молчании – нет большого смысла." ©
I feel mySELF beside him because when he is around my true nature can be expressed and show itself.
So, he is not the sourse of my divinity.

I am the Sourse.

But my divinity can be expressed only when there is someone or something.
When there is a dialog, a process. And the dialog needs two or more participants to appear.

That was my mistake.

@темы: Я и мое безумие, Поток сознания, Памятка, Жизнеутверждающее, Влияние, Астрал, Follow your bliss, Elisson

03:40 

Truth

"Иногда важно уметь говорить, потому что и в молчании – нет большого смысла." ©
It's said that it takes seconds to know if you want this person or not...

I know that it takes seconds to know desitny of yours through the eyes contact with a person.

читать дальше

@темы: Я и мое безумие, Цели, Страхи, Размышления, Памятка, Жизнеутверждающее, Жизненное, Влияние, Астрал, Follow your bliss, English, Elisson

02:43 

"Иногда важно уметь говорить, потому что и в молчании – нет большого смысла." ©
01:16 

"Иногда важно уметь говорить, потому что и в молчании – нет большого смысла." ©
Еще две недели назад, заприметив первые признаки наступающей осени в виде желтеющей и жухлой листвы, я поняла, что у меня внутри зарождается паника: я не хочу зиму.
Мало мне лета было, мало...

Сказала себе "без паники, еще как минимум 2 месяца впереди и Крым", и продолжаю себе это напоминать, но, видимо, страх сидит где-то глубже и...

Приснился мне кошмарный сон, что снег выпал в сентябре.

Вспоминаю этот момент и покрываюсь холодным потом.
Еще во сне пыталась убедить себя, что такое даже если и возможно, то пару дней.

Нда... Нервишки шалят.

@темы: Я и мое безумие, Страхи, Сны, Влияние, Follow your bliss

02:57 

"Иногда важно уметь говорить, потому что и в молчании – нет большого смысла." ©
Уровень негатива зашкалил уже до такой степени, что у меня начала отказывать вся техника...

@темы: Байки, Влияние, Жизненное

00:16 

Change the world?

"Иногда важно уметь говорить, потому что и в молчании – нет большого смысла." ©
How do we change the World?

An impossible task while we just sit on our asses complaining how bad it is.
There is nothing about the World it's about people.

читать дальше

@темы: Я и мое безумие, Цели, Размышления, Жизнеутверждающее, Жизненное, Влияние, Follow your bliss, English

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